https://youtu.be/PDFy02wmgSU?si=Q42PljZ2VjEfNzYN
https://youtu.be/Lz6_TkZUy4o?si=ZSwOf0VxT5KBdN7h
https://youtu.be/FQz3NazwkUc?si=YybwWavXHQ5r8ByF
Så fina sånger om Belarus.
Längtar efter mitt land, men kan inte åka ditåt
Igen studier?
Javisst! Hur annars börjar man livet på nytt? Skit! Hur svårt kan det vara att utveckla muskler? Vet du det? Nej, ingen kan gå i dina mockasiner, ta hand om dig själv.
Sitter vid dator hela tiden och skriver uppgift efter uppgift fast jag vet att de unga och glada lärare som jobbar på distans eller stationärt ska inte alls ha medkänsla till mig, gammal tant, ensam, men ändå vacker och begåvad. Dags att vara misantropisk. Sluta bli så naiv!!!Någon gång ställde Konrad en fråga till mig om jag skulle kunna bete mig på samma sätt som de gör. Alltså, när du är i Rom, gör som de Romare. Vita krokar lever ensam. Jag funderar.
https://youtu.be/un9jfFVNx4s?si=Z8ajWYTGjbIWK-HK
Nu struntar jag i engelska och börjar skriva och tala svenska eller ryska. Medvetet.
Min kompis Nishadi övertalade mig att börja blogga omkring min odling. Jag har mycket att göra där just nu men jag ska försöka att berätta vad jag gör och ska göra med mina växter och marken jag odlar på. Hur använder jag joddning och vattning. Vilken behandling behöver alla växter och enstaka sorter. Jag ska försöka att filma och fota mina blommor och allt som växer på min del av odling, även ta intervjuer med mina grannar vid odlingslott.
Ett annat liv. Milenkij ty moj
The book by Leo Tolstoy is actually the evidence of the russian aggression and principal traits of the russian behavior. What have we at the moment? The war with the Ukraine shows the same unchangeable state of the matter. Russians are under the influence of the witchcraft of the propaganda and everyone of them (about 70%) state that they support the idea to safe russians from the Ukranian Bandera while this name comes from the time when people were fighting against Stalin hunger policy in their country. The whole Ukranian culture was demolished, not only the agriculture and people's lives were destroyed. It's not surprising that people will errect the monument to those heroes who were trying to honour their history. The same way the Belarussian history and language was treated. As far as I know the Belarussian language made unpopular among the students by those minority of the teachers who were engaged in teaching the russian language. I myself experienced that when teachers started the conflicts on the language priority basis. I was one who was tramped on by the teacher of the russian language. I myself was studying both lanuages and litteratures together with English and Polish and I know much about the repressions against the Belarussian writers and poets, but what had happened to me was the real life and real problems every day.
I was born in the time of Thaw, when Nikita Chrushtchov took over the regim and the life became easier, just slightly easier. I didn't know that Stalin took the territories of Poland where my mother's family lived. This is really horrible when your brothers and sisters were studying Polish at school and you suddenly swiched to russian. My mother never talked Polish though she could understand her brothers and sisters. How quickly it has happened within one persons life and we, further generations talk Russian already. I do remember even that I was trying to deny studying the Belarussian language when my father was about to go to Siria for work at the bridge construction. He blamed me at the end of his life in what he supposed to achieve and didn't instead of blaming the communist regime and the time of stagnancy. But this is the nature of the people: they are trying to find somebody who is more near and more weak to blame for what had happened with them. Now it is my time to be dissolved in the infinity and I made my mistakes. I do not want to blame those who blame me for whatever had happened to them. I just live my life though the circle of the friendly people around me is not so wide as I would like to be. One thing I know that Jesus Christ was also alone and lonely. He was trying to teach and I am trying to find the way to teach, suggest new ways and methods.
The war is in the way everywhere. It came even in my life in this peaceful part of the world. Now it is me who understand how lucky I was to escape the degradation of my society, destruction and elimination. I am still alive because I was one of the chosen to start a new life in the peaceful land. And my son is with me soon.
Feel satisfied with my studies. I have fixed two courses in Swedish as the second language methods of teaching and, hopefully, to read and write in the middleschool methods of teaching. Well done, Natallia! Bravo! Now I should catch up with English writing proficiency course and History of the language simultaneously - Linguistics and forward with English again but this time will be Academic writing and Litterature. Marathon!
Jag bryr mig inte om någon läser. Nej, det gör inget. Låt de läsa och skriva kommentarer. De trampade på mitt liv som elefanter, så låt de veta om det.
Jag börjar skriva den sanna livshistoria. Den 28de december 2021
Det finns mycket att se, bara öppna dina ögon. Det finns mycket att höra, bara lyssna. Det finns mycket att komma ihåg, bara du får skriva ibland vad som berör dina känslor och tankar.
Han kommer från Belarus. Ja, det gör han. Det var klart från hans berättelse. Från Oschmiany. Men konstigt nog att hans röst känns bekant. Hans barn lämnade han i Belarus sen 2015. Bara sådär, lämnade en dag. För att undvika betala till banditer som pressade pengar från honom. Jag minns att min föredetta man åkte efter bilar till Tyskland för att sälja till privata personer och efter att beskattning höjdes, det blev slut på hans privata inkomster. Vilket år var det? 2010? Han dog då. Javisst. Jag tror att militiamen hade också pressat pengar på hans inkomst. Om han skulle registrera sig som företagare hur skulle det vara då?
Men den här mannen, Andrej, han är 43 år gammal. Han åkte då till Litauen och hamnade till något ställe med narkomaner. Det skulle jag verkligen veta tydligare om detta här. Hans pass blev stulen där. Han åkte från Litauen till Latvia och där köpte han ett falskt pass från företaget som inte existerar längre. Han åkte då med sin bil till olika länder och i Malmö hamnade han till polisen för att han hade något problem förmodligen med transportering av narkotika. Det skulle jag fråga honom om. Det blir inte så roligt om det är ju så. Han åkte till intervju i november till Migrationsverket. Det är bra att han säger att han berättade sanningen.
Som vanligt i livet börjas något nytt och då blir det annorlunda stämning. Jag undervisar i SvA och mina elever är glada att vara i min grupp. Härligt. Det här är det resultatet jag ville åstadkomma och det blir litet överskott i ekonomi. Jag kommer att vara en fri och oberoende kvinna. Oh, my GOD! Jag ger inte upp. Jag studerar oavsett alla svårigheter. Hallo! Var är du Natallia? Jag tror inte att mina föräldrar och mina vänner blir ledsna på mig. Ibland blir jag ångest slagen, i panik och jag fångar mig själv i misstro, misstanke, men det finns någon härlig själ över mig som bryr sig om den lila Natallia. Är det min mamma, min pappa, mina mor eller far föräldrar, Gud? Spelar ingen roll. Jag lever, jag är här i Sverige och jag kämpar hård. Tråkigt att min son är där, långt ifrån mig, jag ville inte att han skulle vara där, men han sköter om sig själv. Han lever. Hur mår han är det ju en annan fråga. Trots allt existerar han och jobbar som han kan. Gud, hjälp honom att gå vidare, skydda honom och förvara honom. Javisst vill jag att han skulle komma till mig men det blir bättre tid när jag klarar min utbildning, får jobb och lite bättre ekonomi. Hjälp mig Gud i min utveckling och förverkliga mina drömmar. Du är min fader och min räddare. Förbarma över mig.
Det låter lite egoistiskt att jag talar bara om mig och om min son. Jag öppnar mina händer för din vilja. Gud, beskydda människor på jorden, de som drabbas var ända dag från orättvisa och hot. Håll dem i dina händer. Den oändlig kärlek i ditt hjärta sprider sig i deras hjärtan. Gud, hör min bön.
It's obvious that no one that come to Sweden from abroad can be employed as a teacher or a higher position employee. I am trying to break up the model without success yet. So my decision was to continue education at Umeå University. There is an unqualified job so people work there without any education at all. Some of them are former junkeys or alcoholics. Well, I am not. I just do not suit the society model. There regrets come in very often that I was born. I cannot sleep and cannot eat. At least it will be the last year to procede with education. Should I move to the other place? Where? How? I feel insecure and scared. Let's see tomorrow.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I have written en examination test. Who knows if I have the positive result or I will be placed in the august retrial. Waiting for the results. It's a torture. One thing is clear for me if I were given more time, I would manage to write without panic, thinking about every word and information will be completed better.
The only thing I can do right now is to water my flowers and prepare myself for the next exam in august, but now it will be interpretor's skills. Good luck for me. Wish it were connected to english, but no, not this time. Out in the garden!
I have signed out from the church but not from the death. It is waiting somewhere. It will come with the click and everything will change att once. The solig will be abandoned for the stars. Is there anything better? I am still here, I can write with my solid finger on the tangentbord my solid thoughts with visible words. Well, I had my lessons: don't have another lord except for the God, don't steal, don't commit adultery, don't lie, don't gluttony. I don't remember everything I shouldn't do. The thing is I shouldn't rebell, but I do. I am not that humble I should be. I was looking for one that was humble and joyful. I thought I had found one. "Here he is!" - I was amazed one day at a man who came to meet me. He didn't care for money, he didn't care for what mass media saying. He was different, but it turned out to be as usually as if I hadn't been a humble child for my Father. He gave me again two ways: one is to stay at home in my country with my son, friends, relatives, the other one was to go out in the world to see what was hiding behind the boarders veil. Yes, the curiosity killed the cat.
Як кажуць, там дзе нарадзiуся, там i згадзiуся. But the choice was mine. Who'd have thought that one day it would turn out to be the luckiest decision ever?
The troubles sneak like snakes. The first was when I had got married, then I left my husband. I dared. My son was 14 by that time. He couldn't understand. After so many years of solitude I started to look after him who would be my man for a partnership and familylike life. Late. As my auntie said one day when I was still young: "It's better to chock up with one repentant." She ment that the other one will be the same. I was destined to make mistakes as all of us, people, do. The glimpse of luck appeared in the air for a little while and disappeared as it used to.
The years later I went to Sweden. In my bagage was nothing but the memory of the racist attitude, cruelty, my paralised after the stroke second husband, hospitals and medical centres, no pension, no money att all. I was asked to leave my school where I spent the best years in my life, from where I went to Great Britain with my students and where I organised all the afterclass activities like English Club with my American friends without being even paid for that. Late. Luckily I was rekommended to start at the nearby school. My luck? By that time my husband was already a cripple, but I went on with what I had had. Not much in my hands. My mom was alive at least and she asked me to come to eat with her sometimes. I understand that she loved me as the nearest person to her.
One day her last summer I was with her in the summer house. We were just two of us. She asked me to pray with her. As it was so unusual and really strange for we had never talked about God or about the way to pray, I became aware of the death. It was near her.
I have never thought of my mom as a sentimental woman. She was always kind to people, but her job as a chef at the restaurant gave me no chance to be near her. I haven't seen her crying, just once when my grandmother went away. First time at her funerals when all the 9 siblings gathered together, I saw them crying.
That last summer with her, just two weeks, left me no hope for her presence. She asked me kindly to bury her near her aunty and uncle and nothing else special was said except for the prayer at the graveyard. One thing she left me as a gift: she said to me the words I had always been waiting to hear from my parents "I am so proud of you." These words will be burning in my heart for the rest of my days. Why so late? Why not before? And thank you for your love to me. Is that the sense of the whole life to say goodbye and forgive me in that very kind way?
A year before she left me I left my second husband as I couldn't continue anymore with his medicin, visits to the doctors, my son got into the hospital and was near to death. My relatives helped me to find him money for operation in Poland. I myself was near to breakdown. Life turned to me with it's better side when I left behind me all the funerals and hospitals. I went to Sweden.
As soon I arrived in july I was introduced to the whole family, to his friends, neighbours, the whole comunity. I came with the hope that my church will not leave me alone if something happened but I hadn't thought about it at that time. I was happy. Really happy. I escaped from the stinky air where I was limited from all the sides by the sircumstanses I had never thought to come in my life but as it was said: don't count out a prison cell, a begging bowl may come as well. We are not protected, we are naked and vulnerable people. Think about it next time you jump into the cold waters of your own lonely life. The last two years after my mother's passing away, I was in the air. It seems like the earth had gone under my feet. Nothing appeared to be stable and solid, no sholder to lean on except for the God. Before my dearest mother went away she helped me to buy a little flat in neighbouhood. Well done, my angel. Thouthands of thanks for that. Beside this acquisition nothing was easy and proper. It was a stagnation period in my life: serching for a jobb and money to live for, working as an apprentist to a shoemaker, spending money for a business in hope to get some profit, but it wasn't the case. Nothing was clear in my head. Nothing was as before. I have lost the best part of me, my mom. I do remember that after I had been working with the orphans and my former studets from that outstanding school which had used my ability to organize and to lead for its own best, I fell into this hell. Two years standing up for myself and my son. Interesting observation: both the worst of my students and the best came to that unfortunate school. The worst and the cruelest gang locked me in the classroom once so I didn't know what would they do with me. Nothing happened to my luck, but that was the warning that the next time they would do something if I am not agreeable and give them the grades they want. The principal was on their side. Bustards. Those who would love to read this opus to the end would be probably bored with all the gloomy circumstanses described in the rather inconsequent flow. Nevertheless. I would like to mention the best students in this part, together with the worst, in one key. I have never thought of the children as pragmatic creatures. It was me who was naive, not them. Two nice-looking girls decided to get better grades and were not cirtain if they could manage in their very promising school, so they quited from there and came instead to me, the outsider in the poor circumstances. Of cource they and their parents were cirtain of their right choice. Who at the end graded them? Not me. It was another teacher that was eager to teach them privately. Olga Mihailovna. Well, I couldn't do more than I did at school, just go there every day and meet my students. There were some other classes that I enjoyed teaching. One can say 'Per aspera ad astra'. As a heavy weight on my ankles my second husband was in my care and I visited my parents sometimes, very seldom though, as I was working as a horse at school and after school for little penny for private lessons. That was still the luckiest time in my life. I wasn't aware of the day when I would start the shoemake's aprentice and my partner would steal money from the workshop. Luckily I have found it very quickly and quited the job. What was that? A lesson? I started looking for a job, but my unemployment obliged me to work as a street cleaner in the zoo, the worker at the veggies plant where all the drunkers, asocial elements sorted out the carrots, potatoe and beetroots. There I met Diana, a young woman who was obviously misshandled. We were usually sitting together on the way to the potatoe fields. She was rather silent and calm. Me too. There wasn't anything to talk about with the rest of the passangers either: they were dressed so poor and so primitive in their language, with hoarse voices ruined through excessive drinking and smoking. I believed I had got into the gulag number 2 where we were placed together with the gang members. Diana wasn't of their kind. She murmured something about Atlanta and the language the Atlanters left for their descendants which our precious companions in the bus were using in its best meaning. So went we some mornings together: Diana, me and our ascort with described features.